so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
