I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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