So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
