Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
