I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
