I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
