When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You may now shotgun with the bride
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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