My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize