The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
