Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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