Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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