A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
