I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
