saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
