I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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