Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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