Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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