Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
