You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
birth control should be required to get into college
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
