the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize