wakey wakey hands off snakey
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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