i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
