I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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