ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
