Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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