She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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