Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
