so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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