had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
