it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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