I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Im part way to drunk.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
