I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
