I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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