Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
