My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
