the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
