I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
