Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
