It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
