I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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