fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
