I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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