I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I checked into jail on foursquare
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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