The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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