We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
