Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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