Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
