Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Is Oprah even human
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
