The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
