Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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