i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
