lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
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