Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You made out with two different species that night
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
