textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
