I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
