If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
