I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
