The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
