Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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