Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
